My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
