seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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