I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
