how can u be prego again
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
