I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
