Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
