If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
