Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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