he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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