just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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