One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
