I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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