my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
