did you get engaged???
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
