I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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