according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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