I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
