Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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