You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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