i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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