Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
