Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We left the knife in your bed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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