you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
