i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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