We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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