OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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