Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
