i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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