You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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