fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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