I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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