Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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