just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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