She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
