having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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