so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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