There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
