Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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