ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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