I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
