That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
