I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
