Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Duck Duck Cougar?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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