Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
