I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Randomize
