saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
