I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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