I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
