i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
