if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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