Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
