i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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