so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
